Remember that special place in hell for women who don’t help other women? That applies especially to toxic bosses
When will we learn to lift other women up, rather than bring them down?
“We keep saying, ‘be kind, be nice’, but what women are like personally and then professionally are two different beasts. I have found some gorgeous women and then ones with daggers. I find male bosses sometimes incompetent, but not malicious.”
That’s a chat message from one of my closest friends. We were recently comparing notes on the toxic boss experiences we’ve encountered during our 17-year or so careers, after I wrote about it for Refinery29, one of the most widely read titles aimed at Millennial and Gen Z women. What was most shocking and saddening was not the fact we’d experienced it all, but that our suffering came at the hands of those who should have had our backs the most - fellow women.
Take this recent sex discrimination case involving a mum of triplets working at British Gas, who understandably went part-time after returning from parental leave. Rather than receiving empathy and support from her - surprisingly, and disappointingly, female - bosses, they slated her for refusing to work overtime and for “dropping everything” when leaving the office. Perhaps they needed to look up the definition of part-time.
In any case, the mum won the case, so I hope that means all of the company’s managers have been redirected to its gender diversity and equality policy, which states they want to close pay gaps by employing more women. How do they expect to retain those women when the internal culture is such that the odds are stacked against women who dare to prioritise their families? And quite frankly, how can women, like the toxic bosses in this case - and in fact all of the toxic bosses I’ve featured in recent articles - who are complicit in perpetuating a society where women lose out at work because they have children, live with themselves?
As the recently passed away Madeleine Albright, the first female US Secretary of State, was famous for saying, “There is a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women”. And indeed, VIP, front-row seats for those who bring them down.
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
Here’s where I need to make a disclaimer: I am not guilt-free. I too have witnessed unfair treatment towards women in offices I have worked in, and have not spoken up. I also have perpetuated less than favourable company ideals for fear of losing out on opportunities. I regret that every day, and since leaving those environments, I have vowed never to let that happen again.
Following that, I remember how uncomfortable it felt to then defend someone - a junior female - who’d made a mistake that meant everyone’s salaries would be paid late. She ended up the target of malicious after work gossip. As she’d publicly apologised and quickly rectified the situation, l felt there was nothing more to be said on the matter, and made that known to all involved in the conversation. A colleague later privately told me they appreciated what I’d done as they too felt the remarks were unfounded, but she’d been too afraid to say anything as the main perpetrator was her own line manager, who was, yep, you guessed it, a woman.
It was a small action, and I get that I didn’t save the world, but I hope it spares me from Albright’s famed place in hell. I acted on a principle to stand up for what isn’t right, especially if it’s happening right in front of you, and involves a woman. That’s why we need to be done with toxic bosses, and I’m so glad that those in the British Gas court case were publicly named - Sarah Hartnell and Vicky Wells, if you haven’t yet read the article. Sorry to say it, Sarah and Vicky, but your front-row tickets are in the post.
To learn more about toxic bosses, I spoke with Nicole Posner, a communication and conflict specialist who has dealt with her share of toxic bosses from both sides. Her insights in this edition’s Q&A about what causes a toxic boss to behave that way are truly fascinating.
Don’t forget to read on for more of my work on toxic bosses - and if you have an experience to share too, you’ll find a supportive ear at this end.
“I have personally observed toxic boss issues more in cases with women than men”: Q&A with Nicole Posner, communication and conflict specialist
Tell us about your work with cases involving toxic bosses.
Nicole Posner (NP): Over the years, I’ve mediated many difficult cases where toxic bosses have bullied, micro-managed and been dismissive of their team members.
I’m sure the impact will come as no surprise. For those who already lack confidence, it will incite episodes of self-doubt, imposter syndrome and impact mental health. In one extreme case of bullying, a party in the mediation accused her manager of “mentally torturing” her. The emotional toil and impact meant she started to make mistakes at work and began to second guess her own ability and judgement. She couldn’t concentrate for long periods of time and transformed into a nervous and emotional wreck. She was eventually signed off for stress related sick leave for months and months.
I have also witnessed cases where a toxic boss has overpromised or not delivered on a promise resulting in a lack of trust and motivation, ultimately affecting drive, performance and productivity. In some cases this has led to a resignation. As we all know, employees leave managers not companies.
How would you define a toxic boss?
NP: Toxicity shows itself in many ways. An “unfair’” boss who is seen to take sides can also create resentment and provoke anger. Again, I have experienced employees who have literally crumbled before me because they have felt unheard, or not been offered the opportunity to share their version of events. In effect, they have been silenced. Sometimes this behaviour is through lack of experience and training in people management, or because there are deeper issues cropping up for the boss. The need for control or power, which is usually an insight into their own insecurities and lack of confidence, which they mask through toxic and bullying behaviours.
How often do leaders come to you wanting to resolve toxic behaviour, and what do you find is usually behind it?
NP: Sometimes leaders are blissfully unaware that their behaviour is toxic which is half the problem. Either someone within the organisation has highlighted that the leader’s caustic style is creating waves within the department, or it may be that HR have responded to complaints that have been raised. Perhaps they have tried unsuccessfully to address this, however at this point the leader may not acknowledge or accept the impact of their actions.
The second route that a leader may end up working with me might be because the toxic leader is self aware and has observed that relationships with team members are frequently running on thin ice, or there has been a high turnover of staff under their leadership, but they may not recognise why.
Behind most toxic behaviour is a deep rooted insecurity, trauma or fear. The trauma may be something that they never processed or addressed. They may well have been bullied themselves or been brought up in an abusive relationship.
The fear may be based on losing control, fear of appearing weak, fear of appearing incompetent or fear of judgement for not having the answers. So the toxic behaviour is their armour plating to protect them.
What strategies do you “prescribe” to help a toxic boss change?
NP: Change can only happen if it is something that the leader wants to do. The key here is that they are willing to acknowledge that there is a problem, and identifying what the underlying cause of it may be. For some, that is a very difficult place to go.
Sometimes leaders will only change when they realise what is at stake if they don’t. A disciplinary, one too many warnings or maybe it will be highlighted that they will be passed over for promotion unless they wake up and smell the coffee. Or if it is their own business, a mass exodus!
Explaining the impact of their behaviour on those who are affected by it (their teams), the domino effect on the department, productivity, performance, turnover and of course the mental health of those who are directly affected by their belittling or passive aggressive ways is a good place to start. This is, of course, in the hope that they have a high EQ which they can tap into.
If a leader is still unwilling to take a long hard look at themselves, a useful question is, “What do you think will happen if you don’t address your toxic ways?” This future focuses them into a reality check and the possibility of a thorny path ahead if they don’t commit to new behaviours which might be the push they need to take action.
How do you feel the pandemic has impacted the number of toxic boss situations happening?
NP: The pandemic and remote working has definitely changed the landscape of people management and for some toxic bosses this has brought their unhelpful style to the fore.
There has been an emergence of micromanagers who find it impossible to leave their teams alone. A constant barrage of calls to check up on (not check in) with their direct reports. A lack of trust that a job is in hand, closely monitoring their working hours and a failure to support but “supervise’”.
Do you feel women are more impacted by the fallout of a toxic boss than men?
NP: Talking from my own experience I would say overall, yes. A vast number of mediations I have facilitated have been as a result of a complaint raised by women about their toxic boss’s behaviour and style.
Obviously every case is different and it is the employee's experience and resilience to it that dictates the impact, not necessarily gender. However, I have personally observed it more in cases with women than men.
More from me on toxic bosses:
Surviving A Toxic Boss At Work: According to employee data published in MIT’s Sloan School of Management Review, a toxic boss – usually a symptom of a toxic workplace culture where there is a failure to promote diversity, equity and inclusion, where workers feel disrespected and unethical behaviour occurs – is 10 times more likely to prompt someone to quit than any gripes about their salary.
‘She did my performance review while cleaning her bathroom’: Confessions of a manager on toxic-boss syndrome: People leave people, not businesses or roles. That's according to a manager for a financial services company, who spoke with WorkLife about how her former toxic boss forced her to quit her job.
Gaslighting on the rise: How toxic bosses are contributing to the Great Resignation: Relationships between employees and leaders have deteriorated over the past year, driving the staff turnover spike, and causing a lasting impact on employees and companies.
‘If I can’t deliver, I’ll say I can’t’: How employees are learning to say no: Whether it’s rearranging your workload, getting out of the corporate world, or consulting an app for advice, there’s no quick fix to learning to say no, beyond resolving self esteem and unrealistic perfectionism issues.