Moving on from Mumfluencers
Why does the multitasking prowess of Mumfluencers feed my inferiority complex so much?
Cooking a hearty homemade meal for the family while breastfeeding a baby at the same time. Postpartum workouts done while baby lies blissfully on a mat, gazing adoringly up at their mum. Painstakingly flattening bread and dipping it in egg to make French toast for a nine month old’s breakfast. Logging into a work Zoom call while cuddling a sleeping newborn.
Those, as real life examples of social media posts I’ve seen in recent months, are just a toe- dip down the rabbit hole that mums online occupy and lure you into. They pull you further along as you discover the different subcultures - the co-sleeping and breastfeed till they’re five camp, the back at work three weeks after giving birth camp, the sleep train or die camp, the no-time for me but look how happy my kids are camp, and countless other Mum philosophies to try and decide which one you subscribe to in the world of Mumfluencers.
They’ll tell you they see it as their job to inspire other mums in a “high five, girl, look how much you can do! You got this!” kind of way. Like a virtual cheerleader hoping their perkiness will leap off your iPhone screen and into your own day to make it that bit better. Showcasing that life may be hard, but you, my friend, are harder! Conveying that juggling plates is an art form that all mums must master in order to feel accomplished, with the plate labeled ‘Mum’ simply added gracefully to the others marked ‘Career’, ‘Health’, ‘Hobbies’ and ‘Social Life’, all swirling around each other in an elegant display. Making you feel that you, too, need to be Superwoman, because the alternative is, well…is there one?
Meet the Mums in the Middle
The alternative is, I suppose, us Mums in the Middle, who’s occasional (ok, regular) acceptance of mediocrity is actually what’s keeping our heads above water and our mental health intact - making for a messy, unmarketable Instagram grid, meaning we can’t compete for airtime with the Mumfluencers. Because who wants to admire me breastfeeding while, I don’t know, do nothing else? Maybe watching TV, checking emails or doing online orders at most? Who wants to witness me pouring a ready made pasta sauce out of a jar into a saucepan for dinner on a Wednesday night after a busy day of work? Who wants to know that my regime for losing the baby weight consists mostly of walking my children to and from school and nursery? Who wants to hear how my secret to work-life balance is to not work too much? Clearly, the brands wanting to work with me need to form an orderly queue.
Not Superwoman, but a super woman
But in all seriousness, I should feel confident to say that I am not Superwoman, but I am a super woman. Both my kids did not sleep until the night until they were well over a year old. I went back to freelance journalism when my second son was a few months old, and I spent that whole year up regularly in the night with him, yet somehow found the creativity and discipline to regularly pull together 1,000 sage words to deliver to discerning editors. Oh, and I also breastfed him in between interviews and deadlines. Rather than get hung up on fitting back into my pre-baby clothes, I’ve repopulated my wardrobe with secondhand fashion finds that are satisfyingly sustainable and budget friendly. I’m hardly going to win awards, much less qualify as a Mumfluencer, but for me, these are achievements that are worthy of calling myself a super woman.
So why does the multitasking prowess of Mumfluencers feed my inferiority complex so much? Or rather than the problem lying with me, is it because there seem to be few alternatives to the Superwoman narrative that the Mumfluencers have constructed, that accepting, and even celebrating the Mums in the Middle, seems out of the question? Because, to be frank, the Superwoman image is problematic, even dangerous and toxic for many reasons. It’s not until you peek behind the curtain that you realise the worrying truth.
Mumfluencer culture says that, as Alicia Keys sang, you must put on a vest with an S on your chest even when you’re a mess. In my experience you do this for everyone else, not you, when what would benefit you most is fixing why you’re a mess in the first place. But you don’t, because of the Mum Guilt that Mumfluencer culture feeds, disguising sales tactics as help to make you feel you *need* to pay for their specially designed sleep training/weaning/potty training/tantrum coping course, because you *shouldn’t* have to live another day struggling the way you are, and by following their advice, you too *can* be the perfect mum. It’s exhausting to think about how my brain used to ping pong with conflicting suggestions of how best to raise/feed/dress/speak to/entertain/educate/protect my kids every time I opened one of my social media apps.
As a result, I’ve made a conscious effort to stop following Mumfluencers, and gravitate towards mums with an online presence whose stories resonate more with my own journey of just trying to keep it altogether and attempt to enjoy life without putting too much pressure on myself. I want to stop feeling guilty every time I see a fellow Millennial mum posting videos of herself doing sit ups and lifting weights at 5am, before her kids get up, so she can be slim, and own the fact that I choose to stay in bed instead - important rest time to cope with a busy day ahead of work and parenting.
So this is who I follow instead now…
TV presenter Ashley James, for example, often posts pictures of her "skinny" former self but then reveals how unhappy she was in those days. Her red carpet versus real life posts are a realistic look at how much behind the scenes work goes into the on-screen looks, and her 5.30am toddler selfies are a reminder that there are other priorities in her life over being as slim as she used to be. Jordana Balasco was a size six to eight model, and three kids later is now a size 14, which she flaunts in new outfits from the brand partners she has no shortage of attracting, all with a huge smile and bounce in her step.
Former fashion editor Alexandra Stedman posts not just outfits but practical advice, like buying clothes to fit your new body, which for her, has gone from an eight to a 12 with her two children. She’s not just stating the bleeding obvious, as how many of us hang onto smaller sized clothing in the hope we’ll one day fit into them again? I’ve reluctantly but gradually taken this on board, and rather than my wardrobe being a place of resent, it’s slowly becoming a place where I can be assured that I can still wear nice clothes, despite being a bigger size.
I also love Denise Duffield, an Australian entrepreneur and mum of three who is refreshingly honest about how she does it all - she doesn’t. She does not even pretend to spin plates or juggle. She has a housekeeper - like a housewife of old - to take care of domestic tasks. It’s an expense not all can afford, she acknowledges, but she sees it as an investment that frees her up to spend more time on her coaching business, so she can earn more money, which means she can then dedicate her free time to her family.
Meanwhile, I found comedy writer and mum of two, Lucy Huber’s, Twitter feed by accident, and like many other aggrieved toddler parents who’ve found solace in her posts that are as loaded with sarcasm as they are solidarity, I’m so glad she’s part of my online world. “I DARE someone to tweet this with ‘why do parents hate their kids’ and if you do, you have to come over to my house and open my 3yo’s yogurt wrong” is just one of her many Tweets that not only has made me laugh out loud, but makes me feel seen, validated, and, well, not insane.
I also appreciate Hey Sleep Baby’s Instagram posts for not promoting sleep training, or co-sleeping, but raising awareness of how all types of baby sleep patterns are normal, however frustrating they may be, and that however you choose to cope is up to you, no judgement.
These people have all helped me reclaim my own narrative - acknowledging that being a working parent comes with highs and lows, so you’re allowed to celebrate the small wins, to help you feel you’re moving forward with your life, and not held back by being a parent. And that, sometimes, just being where you are is exactly where you need to be, doing things your way.
